‘The Vampire Diaries’ Recap: The Five

My most sincere apologies for missing last week’s recap. “The Rager” was all that and a bag of my favorite chips.  But, Halloween starts early in Salem. Starts early and rocks HARD. That’s just how the witches roll. Ask Bonnie. Or don’t, she was not invited. Oops.

This week, we get to go on a little trip, take a little walk down memory lane and maybe see some blood? Here’s hoping. Let’s DO THIS.

• That was my back yard yesterday. How did they get it on film so fast?? And what are they doing with my sword??
• Damon. The next star of “Pawn Kings.”
• Stefan. No one looks cool when they do air quotes. Even you, buddy.
• They are so cute, threatening each other with weapons. Very sexy. Maybe the husband and I should try arrows…
• Matty is adorable. And tragic. Becks is just tragic. And blonde. Klaus is divine. As always. And smart. Boy has knowledge.
• I kind of like it when Bonnie tells Damon that he’s gross and Damon accepts it as a compliment. It just works for them. It’s awesome.
• Ugh. Eye sex. Barf.
• Klaus and Stefan are kind of a team!! YAY!!! I will take “kind of” all day long!!!
• HAIR PORN. LOTS OF HAIR. AND ELIHAH!!! I know that the costume department works really hard on their period garb, but let’s be honest. Klaus and Elijah could prounce around in burlap sacks wearing squirrels on their heads and we still swoon. Am I right?
• Klefen. The fanfic is writing itself. Hot.
• Was Stefan in the Mafia at some point? He’s like, wicked awesome at playing all of the sides in order to get what he wants. Like, wicked good. Boy got SKILLS.
• “Elena is educating me int the importance of feelings.” Sometimes, Damon. Sometimes.
• I actually just snorted (TASH!) while laughing at Klaus and Rebekah fighting over the dinner table. They sound like bickering siblings but they say things like, “You broke my neck,” and “You threw away Elena’s blood!” As if they were fighting over busted toys. All the while, Stefan just sits there, amused at it all. It really is the most comical thing. “Let me just name the million other people I’d rather be having dinner with, right now.” I honestly cannot catch my breath from laughing.
• Does Alexander remind anyone else of The Groosalugg from Angel?? Anyone?? I guess you had to be there.
• Holy crap!!! JER. Stefan, you have not been eating the most hippity hoppity. Must be faster. Damn it.
• Who drinks Bloody Marys at night? Even at a party? Ugh. College kids.
• Damon thinks that he is helping her. He is creating a monster. I know it.
• Klaus is kind of scary when he yells. Should I go stand in a corner or something?
• Evil genius. It’s like a thing that should be in a museum or something. Except, this genius would eat all of the patrons. Or, convince Stefan to do it for him. Tricky, tricky.
• What is Damon even wearing? Did he rip off John Travolta??
• Jeremy is still a good artist. Love that shout out to the baby cakes we met 3 years ago.
• Also, that Connor is a son of a bitch. Pretty sure Klaus wants him killing more vamps (that are not him) until the map is complete, yes?
• I effing HATE to admit when Damon is right. But FRAK ME RUNNING. He is right. About Elena. About himself. About Stefan. But he is wrong, too. She was having fun. But she was high, not her real self at all. It always feels like the real you in the moment. But eventually you have to wake up and take 3 Advil while chugging a Gatorade.
• Excuse me, there are unicorns in my tears, I can’t even see past Stefan telling Rebekah that he would give up his eternity with her, just so she would never feel the pain of killing someone. And all of the unicorns splashing around in my tears is making it hard to hear how jealous Rebekah is of the love that Stefan & Elena share.
• And it is their love that changes Rebekah’s mind. She gives up her secret. Because she knows, just like we all do, that Stefan would actually give ANYTHING to live his life with Elena. He just wants to grow old and die with her. Just as she always wanted as well.
• I am glad that Stefan at least has the decency to have tears in his eyes as Klaus stakes his sister. Again. That poor girl. I don’t think I have ever felt this sorry for her. Even after everything. Sad.
• “It’s just you and me in this, Stefan.” QUE FANDOM. I am waiting.
• She feels like Damon’s Elena. But she wants to be Stefan’s. It’s fucking heart breaking.
• Also, Connor is free. EEEEK!!!  Not great.
• OR IS IT???

That episode was full of awesome. I do not even know where to start. I have a lot of feelings. And they are all fighting with each other. Can you put feelings in playpens? Or are chains & closets the way to go? I don’t even know anymore. Can you guys help me? What did you think?