Tag Archives: personal

A New Old Thing

The other day my good friend asked me for a new blog post. I told her I had nothing new to write about but that I would think about it.

The truth is, I have taken a major step in the last couple of weeks but have (for some reason) been reluctant to share. Maybe because this is something I haven’t done since my mother died 18 years ago. Maybe because I have always felt it was great for other people but not for me (kind of like Breaking Bad).

No, I haven’t started doing Meth (though I think the South Dakota government wants us to?) My newest Vice is taking antidepressant medication.

I fought against it for such a long time (much to my detriment). It was fine, to me, if someone admitted that they needed help. It was great if there was something that they couldn’t handle and needed help with. I was never one to judge anyone taking them and often admired their courage for reaching out and saying so. It just wasn’t for me. I didn’t need it.

And then I got everything (nearly) that I wanted. Great job, beautiful marriage, wonderful friends, insane travel opportunities. I even made a playlist!! about having it so good.

But that sinking, awful, no good feeling still persisted. I was able to pass it off and work around it at times, self medicating when possible (never a good plan). But there were times when the depression just took hold. Like a rock in a bubble. You can only float that weight so long.

I often thought of it like a happy go-lucky dude. Just walking around, minding his business. And then someone would pass him a brick. And it was no big deal! Carrying a brick is easy. But then 100 other people handed off bricks. And you hadn’t yet put one down. Because every bad thought in your brain, every relationship, every obligation, is a BRICK. And all of a sudden you think you are doing your best, holding all of the bricks, juggling them at times… And then your arms get tired. So tired. They hurt, and you just cannot hold all of them..

Needless to say, I did not make a house of my bricks. I dropped them all.

This isn’t the first time it has all come crashing down. Not the first time I tried to go it alone without success. But, somehow, this crash hurt the most. Maybe because I had really convinced myself of my strength this time? Maybe because what I had built from the bricks looked so lovely before it all fell down? I don’t know.

The difference this time, is that I refuse to go with the status quo. I am not going to allow this to happen YET AGAIN. I am working hard for my mental health and taking time to really get to know myself and my issues for the very first time since I was a teenager (and who the fuck knows themselves at 17??).

I know there is more work to be done going forward. I am seeking therapy and exercise (both of which I have hated in the past). But, it has occurred to me that I would like to live a full life. One filled with happiness and promise. Just because my mother died at 46, does not mean that I need to or should. Just admitting that is a new step. I look forward to taking many others. And much like the Matrix, it all starts with a little pill…

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The Buzzing Box

I was texting with some girlfriends earlier and we were talking about how fucking annoying autocorrect is. One was telling me she had meant to text “junk drawer” but accidentally texted “kink drawer.” I laughed and then casually  deduced that we ALL have a “kink drawer.” We all laugh again and I was reminded of a story about when I first moved to Boston. 

When I had agreed to upend my life for love, I had packed everything away nice and tight and put it in storage and then traveled with 3 suitcases to Boston because when I moved here Pete had a studio attic apartment. 

I got a job after a couple months and we had enough money to move into the larger apartment downstairs in the same house. Then I finally saved up the $3,000.00 to get all of my shit delivered from Denver to Boston. 

The movers I hired were awful and super slow. It took forever to coordinate them and even when they showed up, they threatened to leave my sofa on the sidewalk because they couldn’t figure out how to move it. Eventually my sweetheart started helping them empty the truck so we could move on with our lives. 

The movers were in the kitchen positioning a big microwave cart/cabinet and my guy came in with a box CLEARLY LABELED BEDROOM, and just dropped it on the floor of the large kitchen.
 
And that is when we all started hearing a buzz.

My dude and the movers are like, “What is that sound?? Where is it coming from??” They are looking at all of the appliances in the kitchen.

I have my arms literally loaded with breakable dishes and no counter space and the love of my life is like, “It’s coming from this box!”

I tried so hard to say I didn’t hear it or that it was nothing.Probably the neighbors playing music!! He was determined to discover the origin of the sound.

And that is the story of my boyfriend of only one year unboxing my vibrator and turning it off in front of 2 strangers while I unpacked dishes. 

I must add to this and say that it wasn’t one of those inconspicuous vibrators that could be for backs or necks or just a tube. It looked like a dick and had the rabbit attachment and everything. A gift from a very good friend after I broke up with a terrible boyfriend a couple of years prior to the move.

Needless to say, this apparatus is no longer in my “kink drawer,” but boy did it make for a fun conversation after the movers left!!

What about y’all? What’s in your kink drawer? And OMG have you ever been so embarrassed??

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Adult Dinner

Pete is traveling for work again. I went to the grocery store by myself yesterday. Always a mess. I do one of two things. 1.) I buy enough food for an army. I make myself an entire casserole. Or fried rice for 9. An entire loaf of bread for one sandwich. Or I do thing 2.) I buy just cream cheese because I want an egg sandwich with cream cheese. But like, nothing else. I was halfway home yesterday and I realized I did not purchase one single thing that was alive or a plant, unless you count the frozen hash browns. I felt really bad for and about myself for most of the drive home. And then I remembered that the planet is melting and our current idiot in chief is basically begging everyone to bomb us. So, I decided to enjoy the fucking Buffalo chicken pizza.

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Speak To No One

I’ve been pretty quiet over the last few days. Not silent but not really myself either.

I have blogged before about my depression.

It’s not a huge secret anymore.

Usually, even when I cannot deal with the real world and the people who inhabit it, I am able to handle friends on the Twitter and Tumblr and blog level.

I just have had so many days lately where I cannot deal with any of it.

I apologize for my absence. I hope to be back to myself after this long weekend away. I think a few days out in the middle of nowhere with my best friends is just what I need to get back to feeling like myself again.

Or, at least I hope it is. Don’t give up on me! Love you all!

Erin.

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