I go away and hide out sometimes. Sometimes for a day. Sometimes for a week.
I get so burnt out and overwhelmed by life in general that I just can’t handle anything. So I turn off my phone and I stay in bed. Because it’s safe in there and if I don’t try anything I won’t fail at anything. And it makes me feel weak. And it makes me feel like a bad person. It’s hard on my professional commitments, it’s hard on my friendships and it’s hard on my marriage.
I will lie in bed sometimes just screaming at myself: “GET IT TOGETHER! Put your big girl pants on and GET UP.” And sometimes the louder I scream, the deeper I want to bury my head in the sand.
It’s frustrating as hell because I know that there is this really happy, UP person living inside me. And I like her. And she has a lot of friends and a lot to do and see. She’s fun. But when she isn’t around, I feel so lost. It’s equally frustrating when those friends of hers try to help, try to cheer me up and it just won’t work. I want it to work. I want to be cheered.
I tell myself to concentrate on the little things: get dressed. Do the dishes. Write your recaps. But the little things get swallowed by the big things so often: what are you doing with your life? Where are you going with this? STOP BEING SO RIDICULOUS.
One of my favorite writers, Jenny Lawson (a.k.a.The Bloggess) was brave enough to tell her secret. So, maybe I can too.
And it’s so incredibly hard to admit to myself, let alone to others. Saying it out loud makes it real. But here goes:
I am depressed.